Hello There The Angel From My Nightmare

I'm a wee bit tired of second guessing people's motivations and getting my feelings hurt over stupid things that may or may not have been said by small and spiteful people. I'm tired of thinking and believing that I've wronged someone or somehow did something to deserve all of these little hurts that keep happening to my life. Instead? I'm choosing to believe that I'm just so damn awesome that these people are jealous and that makes them act like dicks. Yeah.

It's not working, though.

I'm sure it's just PMS settling in again making me all weepy and contemplative and filled with angst. Which yay! Gotta love that. Gotta love looking around at all the other girls of the world with their girly ways and their feminine features and their extra efforts and feeling like a big clod with a loose grasp on social graces.

Next week I'll be fine with me and I'll laugh and shrug off that I was feeling like this today. That's how I do. I laugh and shrug. To prevent people from seeing that what just happened actually bothered me. Actually hurt my feelings. Actually had any effect on me whatsoever. Shrug and laugh. Oh me oh my. I'm so well adjusted and healthy in my mind.

Also? I only have thirty days until I leave for Ireland. I need to not treat this like I do other trips. This is big. I need to be more planned out and more prepared. I don't even know how much money I've saved. I've been tossing change in my piggy bank for a while now. Yeah...I know. Change?!?!? I'm going to Ireland on loose change?!?!?!? This is my reality.

I've realized I've been coasting, for the most part, on auto-pilot for a good while now. Sure I have moments where I take over the controls. I've gone out into the world. I've hung out with people and had a good time. But in the big ways? The important parts of my life? Coasting. Totally. I admitted this to myself this morning. Now I gotta do something about that. Now that I did the therapyesque looking in the mirror and saying "Andrea, you're in autopilot. Knock it off." Once you get to that point you can't really continue down the same path. That's like the rules or something.

And even though my doctor thinks I'm all into carpal tunnel to the point that I've been flirting with it, I'm still thinking it's stress related. Because last night as I sat in my big comfy chair and sobbed like someone who just realized that there are no Twinkies in the house and all you really want more than anything in the world is a fucking Twinkie, my arms just felt so relaxed. They were loose. They were happy. They were not numb in anyway. My fingers were strong. So...crying relieves the pressure on my neck/shoulders that creates numbness in my arms and hands. I'm convinced.

So...there.