If you have a delicious lunch at Five Guys Burgers and Fries, it is really not a grand idea to go home and let your Wii Fit weigh you. I also just learned that while you are on the webpage for Five Guys to get the URL you should not find out that there is one about 20 minutes away while at the same time whining about your weight. This is not a plan for success. Unless success would be eating bacon cheeseburgers and being fat and filled with the desire for naps. Then sure, a nearby Five Guys location is a plan for a win!
I received my invite to Randi's wedding on Monday. It's a lovely invitation. Nice colors. Good font. Nice ribbon. The envelope is even pretty. But it was addressed to Andrea and Guest. And I was instantly caught off guard by the emotions that popped into my head and my chest. In that one instant of reading the words "and Guest" I went from feeling OK to feeling more lonely than I've felt in some time. I don't like being caught off guard by such feelings. I'm still trying to shake that one. Yeah.
My Mom found out about my Flickr a month or so ago. She indicated she'd never visit again and showered me with praise about my many talents. I went home this past weekend. And she kept making references to things I'd said on Flickr. So...yeah. My Mom is Flickr stalking me and so there's one less place I have to be free.
Walls are closing in on me. It's my own fault really. I've been careless. I let my guard down, dropped some walls, and got all open and sharey and careless. And now people are in. And poking around and seeing what's there to see.
Oh sure, I was letting strangers poke around and see what there is to see. But that's safe. A stranger isn't going to sit with me over dinner and ask me why I'm not dating. Why most of my pictures are taken within the confines of my apartment. Why I'm closed off and making people feel unwanted. Strangers don't do such things over a nice meal. They just offer to buy my panties and things of that sort. Things I can deal with and handle and walk away from. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm not gonna take the pill anymore. After I'm done with the package I'm on I'm done. I'm done being a guinnea pig. I'm done putting all of these hormones into my body and wondering why I'm such a paranoid emotional mess. Is it because of the pill or is it because that's who I am? If I take the pill away, I'll no longer have that confusion. Less confusion is good. Sure, more horrid cramps and hemmoraging aren't good, but I've weighed it out. Less emotional rollercoaster trumps increased pain and disgustingness. I need to feel as if I'm in more control over myself than I have been.
I have to pay my taxes today. Goddammit.
Yeah.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
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4 comments:
My darling Andrea,
I never had any intention of making you get the sads because of the words "and guest."
I just wasn't sure if you wanted to pick up some random hobo on the way into town and drag him to my nuptials.
xoxo
Randi
Ah the dreaded colliding of the worlds. I seem to have let that happen on facebook: my brother, my cousins, friends, work friends, bloggy friends, old people I went to high school with that I don't even really know. But it turns out to be kind of cool, because apparently it was narcissistic of me to think that anybody would care or wonder who all these other people are on my facebook. I just don't link my blog on facebook.
But your mom on flickr? Yeah that might be a little weird. So... your blog is still kind of a secret? At least you'll always have the blog.
Good luck with the pill thing. God speed to you and your little uterus. And may a night of wild drunken sex not result in a love child.
Dearest Randi:
You didn't make me sad. I made me sad. But now that I know I have the option of bringing along a hobo, I'll keep my eyes open. Thanks!
xoxo
Andrea
Cinders: Yeah, Facebook seems to be where the worlds collide. I've got the same mix as you in there. So I took out the links to my blog and my flickr. Because, I, too believe that eventually some home town person would see my flickr and then that would be the talk of the town. I'm very important. *insert eye roll*
I find it funny that 1. you present the possibility of wild drunken sex as if that could happen. Bah! and 2. that the result would be a "love child." I've always felt that would be a "wild drunken sex child." Ain't no love in the wild drunken sex. It's a funny term to me. Always has been.
You know, I sometimes wonder if the pill is making me fucked up too. Because during the last few days of the "sugar pills" (when I'm not bleeding anymore) I start getting all emotional and shit. I start thinking that it might be because my body hasn't had the hormone pills for almost a week. After I start taking the ones with hormones, I'm good to go again. Damn pills. I'd stop taking them too if I wasn't needing them to prevent pregnancy. I also like not having the horribly intense boob pain.
Be careful where you let strangers poke around at. hee hee.
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