Brand New State, Gonna Treat You Great!

Over a week ago I grabbed my parents and a friend of mine, loaded all of my crap onto some truck and trailer and then drove across the country to Arizona. So, I live here now. I've put a flag up and everything. It's mine.

And I saw a lot of things along the way that I'm sure are worthy of mention. But I can't get the song "You Can't Change That" out of my head. I have it on my iPod and it popped up during my shuffle mode through Arkansas. And since I was in Arkansas and it is the most boring of all the boring things I've ever been bored through, I really listened to the words.

Now, I've always thought that this song was nice and sweet and awww. But Arkansas opened my eyes.

See...you take lyrics like this:

Honey, I’ll always love you
I promise I’ll always love you
‘Cause I think the whole world of you
And you can’t change that, no, no

And you're all "Awww...how sweet. I want a guy who will think the whole world of me. That would be nice."

Then you hear this:

There’s nothing you can do or say
I thought about this for many a day
And my mind’s made up to feel this way
And you can’t change that

And now you're thinking "That's a good guy right there. I can say some shit. I can be a real asshole and he's just gonna stick right by me. Where do I sign up?!??!"

Then there's the whole chorus about the love and the not changing and the happy and it reinforces the good vibes. Then they hit you with this:

You can change your telephone number
And you can change your address too
But you can’t stop me from loving you
No, you can’t change that, no, no

You can change the color of your hair
And you can change the clothes you wear
But you’ll never change the way I care
No, you can’t change that

Suddenly, in the middle of Arkansas, you hear this and you think....what?!?!? This sweet, cute, song that I've loved for years is a stalker theme. The entire membership of Raydio is now under suspicion.

If I see Ray Parker Jr. hanging outside my bedroom window, it's not Ghostbusters I'll be calling. No, no. Dan Aykroyd will not be on this case. I don't need wise ass comments from Bill Murray. Not if I'm changing the color of my hair and my address and my telephone number! Good goddamn! I'm driving on 40 headed West in the middle of Boring, Bored zip code Boredom wondering if I need a restraining order against Ray Parker, Jr. or not.

It was a rough 3 minutes, I can't lie. And it's stuck with me. I'll be humming it in my kitchen. Swiffering a bathroom floor singing "you're the only one I neeeeeed." This is how they get to you, I bet. Write a catchy song in the late '70s, let it get stuck in your head, then blamo! They show up at your door one day and nab you.

I'm on to you Raydio. You can't nab me.