The Way To Reach You, My Love

I had my first interview in fourteen years about two weeks ago. And it went really well. And I felt good. I looked good and I felt good. And then, I waited. And I carried my phone with me. And I stared at my phone. And I'd make a call to make sure it still worked. And I'd jump anytime the phone rang. And I'd make sure it was always charged. And I slept with it right by my pillow in case they decided at midnight they just had to make me an offer. And then I tried to accept it wasn't going to happen. And then I told myself it was them, not me. And then I looked at what I wore to make sure I hadn't gone in there with an offensive stain. And then I talked to my friends to find out what I could have done wrong. Why aren't they calling me? What could it be? And then I said I wasn't going to think about it anymore. And then I decided, no, I'll just call. I'll call during lunch and leave a message, yeah. That won't be too forward. So I did. Except there was an answer. And we talked. And it's over.

So there's that.

And this is another reason why I've not signed up for Match.com.

Being unemployed is boring. And stressful. In case you were wondering. And you get really surly when people with jobs start complaining about the stupid stuff that happens at their jobs. The big stuff, not so much. Big stuff sucks. Big stuff is fair game. You have big stuff going on at work and you need to let it loose, I'm all for it. But all those little annoying things that even I complained about when I was a productive member of society, I now find myself thinking "I wish I had a job where somebody stole my sticky notes and never put the lid to the copier down." And then I realize I need to just shut my hole so I don't offend anyone. So, I just sit and stare a lot. In the dark. Much like I am now.

Yeah, being unemployed has made me super concerned about my finances. And people have me scared to death about my electric bill. So, I sit around without lights a lot. And I watch little TV. And I worry that I have my computer on for too long. And should I unplug this, that, or the other. I threw away my Febreeze plug in the other day. I can't afford that luxury. And oh no, my BlackBerry battery needs to be charged again. Noooooo! My camera battery? Dead. Stone dead. Not being charged at the moment, either. I cannot remember the last time I didn't immediately charge my camera battery. But there it is. Uncharged.

I also ordered one of those manual mowers. Just the spinny blade thing that you push. No oil, no gas, no pollution. Lots of exercise and green living. And? Cheaper since I don't have to worry about oil and gas and engine parts and whatnots. Go me!

I've also realized that maybe I should have had a baby at some point in my life. As long as I don't put a dress or a bib on either of my dogs, this shouldn't be too much of an issue. It's OK for me to have my Beagle in my lap as I pet her on her head and tell her I love her and she's my girl and kiss her on her little beagle forehead. As long as I don't do all of that with her wearing a onesie. That's the rule. Anyway, yeah. This is a strange realization for me to have come to. I know that I didn't want one during my marriage, I don't regret that part. And it's not like I could have come to this realization earlier. It's just one of those things. It's not a horrible feeling. It's just one of those "huh...didn't see that one coming" moments. Yeah.

I can't close the blinds in my bedroom window. They've been up for a few days now. And I can't close them. And I'm obsessing over it. Since I have free time. I go over and try to close them about one thousand and eighty six and a half times a day. But still, they're open. Mocking me with their openness.

This is all fairly random and rambly. I think it's just a pressure release. You can't just walk around and have all these things built up without exploding. But I don't want to say any of this out loud. Hear how it sounds. Feel how it feels. Can't deal with all that right now. Typing has no feel. Not in this venue, anyway. This is detached. I'm removed from these things.

Despite all of this apparent negativity and crap, every single time I go outside at sunset and see the sky? I'm filled with such a feeling of peace and contentment that I can't help but have my daily positive moment. The moment that I look at my dogs and say to them "I know things seem to be a mess right now, but I will take care of us. Yes, I will." Every day. At sunset. I'm reminded of why I'm here.

Tomorrow? Lather, rinse, repeat...