no, you didn't have to stoop so low

I love sunrise and sunset here in Arizona. I really do. The sky just comes alive with colors and it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. And each and every time I see it, I appreciate it and fall in love with it. Especially on those days that there are clouds to add to it.

During the day, most days, the sky is blue with bright sunshine. Maybe a cloud here or there. But, generally, the day time is all the same. But sunrise and sunset make up for it in a big way. And I love it.

My appreciation for these moments made me remember that I need to live moment to moment. I don't need to dwell on what has happened. I don't need to let something that happened a few moments ago carry over into this moment that is peaceful and grand. I don't need to fret so much about moments that haven't yet occurred.

Live in the moment.

If someone gets on my nerves one moment, I can let it go in the next. I don't need to carry that with me into the next moments that may have a good song. Or a moment of learning. Or a moment of me sitting quietly and being happy that I'm me. Or whatever. You know?

I'm feeling zen, I guess. Which is nice.

I'm in control of me.

I like it that way.

washing machine, pacing golden panting

duck lips, andrea? really? somebody smack me...

I'm going to say that the theme of this weekend has been "Nothing Lasts Forever."

And while that sounds fairly pessimistic, I'm actually viewing it from an optimists viewpoint. 

Now, anyway. 

It started out with me doing my yard work. I loathe yard work. Mega loathe. Loathe with the power of a thousand Suns. I cannot stress enough how much I loathe doing it.

But, it's one of those adult type things we have to do, so I put on my big girl pants and I did some damned yard work. 

To make this chore easier, I utilized my iPod. 

My iPod that is full of songs that were sent to me and put on CDs for me and yeah. 

That made me sad for a bit. And I was all "Well, I guess nothing lasts forever."

But then I flipped it. And while, yeah, right now I seem to be cast aside back into the shadows of my dramatic emo feelings that my poetic little heart has written based on being dropped and blocked and yeah. That doesn't mean it's forever. Things change. People change. Situations change. 

Nothing lasts forever!

This morning I sat down with my budget. If I ever want to ruin any good feelings I may be having, that is currently the best way to do it. 

I know a lot of people are struggling right now and I know that I don't have it as hard as some. I have shoes, a roof, a car, and food. 

But I still don't believe that most people really grasp my situation. And I'm not sure why it seems so important to me that they do. So, I'm not even going to explain it again. I know my situation, I know it sucks, but I also know it's not forever!

But it does make me really wish I could go buy new clothes. Or get my hair cut. Or buy ice cream. Or go to the movies. Or wish I could drive my car on the weekends. 

This will not last forever. 

Nothing does. 

Changes are coming. I just have to remain patient. I have to not worry myself to death over things I can do nothing about. 

Nothing lasts forever...
-------------------------------------------
Apparently I'm all caught up in my financial emoness and I forgot what I really wanted to talk about! Sheesh...

Two of my friends went to the same event yesterday. They saw the same things occur. They took photos of the same people. It was a protest. And police became involved.

However, because of their own perspectives, the photos look amazingly different. Like two different events.

One shows officers peacefully dragging protesters away. The other shows angry policemen forcefully dragging protesters away.

I asked each of them what the story was, to tell me about what they witnessed. They gave me the same details, but with their own "spin" based on their own perspective, bias, opinion, whathaveyou.

All stories have two sides. All stories have spin and bias and opinion added to them. Some more than others, of course. Some people are more biased than others. Some people are able to just provide the facts.

I suspect one person was closer to facts in their relaying of the story to me than the other.

I just found it really interesting. And a good reminder. There are always different ways of looking at the same situation.

Which, of course, is helping with my positive leaning "nothing lasts forever!" mindset.

Even a situation that you, yourself are in. There is more to it than even you may be allowing yourself to see. Because you're biased to your side, to your viewpoint.

Perspective. 

truck engine revving up

I discovered something else yesterday that just, again, slapped me right in my face. It was hurtful. Very hurtful. 

Dammit. 

I know I'm not awesome. I joke about how awesome I am all of the time and it's fun and all of that. But I know that I'm not. I know that I have flaws and faults and things that make me simply a human walking about doing the best she can most of the time.

But I also know that I'm not unawesome, either. I don't feel that I've done anything so horrid to deserve some of the crap that's been done. 

I'm so hurt at the moment that part of me wishes I was more dramatic crazy so I could do something ridiculous that would indicate just how bad I feel. Which likely means I am more dramatic than I realize, just by having such a thought. 

Instead, I'm just walking around living my life as I usually do. Just being a wee bit mopey here and there as I do so. 

I'm just really hurt. Really, fucking hurt. 

But I exist. I'm still here. Nothing can change that. 

One day I won't be hurt. Someday I'll realize my heart is no longer broken. 

That day is not today.

birds chirping and a golden making chewbacca sounds

I woke up angry this morning. And the anger is all about how hurt I am. And how I wish I had answers. Which is all unproductive.

So, I jumped out of bed, washed my face, brushed my hair, put on jeans and a t-shirt, fed the boy, then took him for a walk.

Something about walking my boy is peaceful. My mind clears and I just take in the happy that is coming from the other end of the leash and then I move on.

The other day at work someone asked me if my surgery was a success. It never occurred to me that people may wonder about that. But, since she did, I thought "maybe I should provide followup." Which is weird. But I'm doing it.

My periods are now quite the delight. I'm not almost dying each month. I'm not having the horrific cramps. I'm not having to suck on raw steak in order to maintain my iron levels. I'm not losing blood for a steady eleven days. I'm not going broke buying pads.

And, yes, I use pads instead of tampons. And some women act as if this somehow, personally, affects them and they get indignant and they try to force a tampon into my vagina with their words. I don't like them. They hurt me and are uncomfortable. Always have been. It's not like I love pads, either, though. I understand why women wouldn't want to use them. The whole thing is gross. All of it. But, we all have to do what works best for us. So, pads. Now leave me alone.

So, yeah. Even though the medical expenses are making me all broke and stuff at the moment, the end result of the medical procedures is well worth it. Well.

I'm uninterested in the cowboy. I already knew this. I just had to be reminded with a few days of texts from him.

I, honestly, think that right now I'm simply uninterested in anybody of the male party. Even ones that aren't ridiculously irritating and immature. I'm just uninterested. I'm just really fucking hurt.

Anyway...

Reading. Walking my dog. Keeping my budget. Cleaning out my shit. Me time.

Lots and lots of me time...

"...offered it in different flavors..."

Quick and dirty post:

For fear of his tiny lawyers finding this and taking it down, ensuring I never, ever get to watch it again, I'm not going to describe what this video is. Other than to explain that it is amazing. It does something to my entire person that I cannot even put words to. And this isn't even my favorite of his songs. But it is "the song," so it's still up there. And makes my skin tingle and my heart feel something and seeing it performed in this setting and what it allegedly is? Holy fucking damn. All I can say. Those people in that town better of appreciated what they were seeing! And you should go watch it. But don't go crazy with it. I don't want it to go all disappeary.

You see this photo? Yeah. That 5x5 magazine? I'm in there. A photo I took. And words that I wrote. Are in a magazine. That is in a store being displayed alongside other magazines. I'm gonna submit again to this magazine. Because I want to do better with my submission. With my photography. With my effort. But for right now, I'm gonna be thrilled that I'm on a display stand! Yeah.

I said yes last night to an opportunity that is going to help me with my money woes. It's not anything that will happen until later this year but now I have a beacon of light to guide me through the dark days of budget and blerg. And yeah, I did just say "beacon of light to guide me...." It happens.

"It's such a shame our friendship had to end...."

Yeah. Chills. This fucking video changes my life each time I watch it. I don't know how and I can't explain what that means, I just know that each time I watch it, I feel different. I'm being odd. That, too, happens.

Anyway. Positivity in the morning time. I haz eet?

absolutely so much better than

I may never wear the awesomely adorable ensemble that I'm wearing today again.

The last time I wore it, my Granny died.

Today? I was rear ended on the 202.

It was a bump. The naked eye inspection revealed no apparent damage. And the guy was talking to me and apologizing and then he said

"I'm sorry...I just...lost control..."

That touched something in my brain, I threw up my hands and said "it's ok..." and got back in my car and drove away.

I'm tired of dealing with shit right now.

We all lose control sometimes.

My neck, shoulders, and head hurt.

I'm dumb.

denial, your ears should be burning

“First of all, understand that you have the right to be unhappy and upset with the way they're treating you: but that doesn't mean you have the right to make them feel the way you're feeling. In fact, it'll only make the situation worse.”

Well, there ya go. Sound advice from a website that was sent to me to help me deal with another situation and then I clicked a random link on how to deal with family togetherness time stress and there it was. What I needed to read to reel myself back in.

I’ve been feeling like lashing out. Like a jerk. But, it’s pointless.

But I need to refrain from lashing out at myself, too. Because I’m not any of the things that I keep telling myself I am or am not.

This did not happen because I’m not thinner, younger, prettier, or blonder. This did not happen because I’m ugly, old, or dumb. This likely happened because of nothing at all about me.

I would love to understand. I would love to know all of the so called nuances. But we don’t always get what we want and I need to let it go. Drop it. Set it and forget it.

I trusted someone completely. And had my heart broken in the process.

It happens.

And with that, I’ll say no more about it.