They're Gonna Eat Me Alive

It seems the critters have determined that I'm way too damned comfy in my nice new abode and they've made it their mission to shake things up. Make me squirmy. Make my throat all sore and hoarse and stuff from screaming.

First, I find a dead scorpion. Yes, I know, it was dead. But still. I'd not seen one, it was in my garage, and at one point it was alive in my garage. You see that? ALIVE! Not when I found it, no. But again, I repeat, it started out alive. But I managed to deal with the dead scorpion and go about living my life.

Then, last week, I find two black widow spiders. Count 'em. One. Two. One. Two. TWO black widow spiders. Hanging out. Being friends. Making some plans. Being spidery. A friend of mine with a bigger and braver foot killed one of them. The other one? The one that is not killed? Ran away. Hid out. Saw my friend and the bigger braver foot and hightailed it outta there.

And now?

Now when I leave my house I'm convinced that this spider is out there waiting. Plotting. Planning, even. Saving up money to buy a tiny iPod with tiny speakers and it's going to steal my wifi and it's going to download "In the Air Tonight" and I'll go out there one day and I'll hear this tiny version of this song that reminds me of Miami Vice and I'll stop to look around for a tiny Don Johnson or tiny Phillip Michael Thomas and that is when this spider will spring into action! It will put down its tiny iPod and tiny speakers and revenge will be his! Revenge for its fallen friend! Revenge in the form of a spidery Lloyd Dobler. Oh! The horribleness of it all! Damned crafty spiders and their hate!

It could be entirely possible that I have too much free time on my hands...

Enough To Strut Our Stuff

The neighborhood in which I work is really rather fancy. At first I thought "Oh, boy! How nice! I get an awesome view! Look at that! Glass building! It's all so clean! And it'll probably be safe! And the security guard is on a Segway! Fancy! Woo!"

Then I looked at all the other employees after I wore the two interview ensembles I had and realized....oh crap, I need to go shopping.

I've had a love affair with Banana Republic ever since. I have a collection of cardigans. I've been asked "Where do you get your cardigans? They are so cute!" And I smiled and got girly and talked about my cardigans. And the conversation moved on to how I have the cutest jewelery and how we should go shopping together and I came home and my jeans and one of my Threadless t-shirts were waiting at the door with their arms crossed and their brows furrowed as they asked me where I'd been and who I'd been with and why did my pants make me look so thin and tall?!?!? There were tears and harsh words. Jeans are mean.

Then? I was asked to go to lunch. And lunch was froufy. And organic. And healthy. And local. And a conversation got started about the healthy and the nutritionists' recommendations and pilates and we paid the valet to bring us our car and it's gone on like this a few days a week since I started.

Then? I had to go to a training. At a fancy hotel. Way fancier than my fancy banana pants. This place was so fancy that the bathroom did not have paper towels or blowers for your hands. Oh no...they had individual sized hand towels for you to use once and toss in a basket so they can wash it. As if they're not in the middle of a desert. This bathroom was so fancy that it had soap and lotion at the sink. And I'm so unfancy that it took me until somewhere toward the end of the second day that I finally realized I'd been washing my hands with the fancy lotion and not the fancy soap. Each time I'd wash my hands I would think to myself, "wow...this soap is not very lathery but good lord my hands feel fantastic!" I may not be sanitary but I sure am soft.

So, for the past three weeks I've experienced froufy food, conversations about cardigans, valets, fancy hotels that make me forget how to wash my hands, a happy hour at a bar with a valet, and a plethora of banana pants. Today I had enough! Today...I reclaimed a bit of my soul!

Just on the edge of this magical fancy area is a Wendy's. And I went out on my own. And I drove to this greasy oasis. And I had applewood smoked bacon. Atop of a cheeseburger. With fries. And as I sat there in my fancy banana clothes enjoying the fact that I wasn't going to have to come up with a clever joke about the state of my car to a valet who doesn't give a shit about the state of my car, I looked around. Took in my surroundings. And what I noticed amused me.

In general, dudes do not care what they eat or where they eat. In general. I saw dudes of all shapes, sizes, backgrounds, etc. all over that Wendy's. None of them stood out as being out of place.

But the women...oh the women. The women amused me. Because they all looked just like me. All dressed up in their not quite them banana style clothes, sitting alone at a table, peeking at their 'berrys or iPhones, enjoying some Wendy's with looks of silent contentment on their faces. I have found the local place where all the Anastasia Beaverhausens go for lunch. And it was good.

And You Were Right There Next To Me

So, I went to the movies last weekend or the weekend before or whatever and took a few notes as I sat there eating my popcorn and watching people and the previews and ads and whatnots. And by taking notes I really mean I sent myself emails from my BlackBerry as I sat there eating my popcorn and watching people because I'm totally that person now. But, anyway, I'm no longer sure if I remember what they mean. But I'll give it a go, I need to get these messages out of my inbox:

• Free tropical slushy at each orthodontist appointment: I suspect that I found it amusing that this orthodontist is trying to entice people that care about having straight teeth to come to his office with a sugar concoction of ice and sugary colored water stuff. Or? I may have thought "Why didn't MY orthodontist give ME a damned tropical slushy. I love that banana flavored one. Mmmmm...." Hard to say.
  

• Trophy's steakhouse: This one is easy. There I was just eating my layered buttered popcorn because, really, if you're going to get it buttered, you don't just want the top portion buttered. Hell no. You want that shit evenly dispersed. And now you know that if you go to the movies with me I'll be the person that smiles nicely and says "can you please layer the butter please? Thanks!" I have the ER on speed dial for when my arteries clog and harden. But, back to the point at hand....this fancy restaurant here? This Trophy's? Yeah...you can go there and eat steak while dead and stuffed animals hang out watching you. That's just rude. I can't be that big of an asshole. I cannot imagine that I'd be able to sit there eating on a dead cow while a moose is right there watching me. They're like, cousins or something. And yeah the moose is dead, but it has eyes and it's there and it's standing and good lord. I have a heart! One filled with movie theatre butter and steak fat, but it's a heart nonetheless and I can't eat steak with dead animals standing around looking at me with their dead eyes!

• Movie theatre encourages texting and video usage as you wait for previews: And clearly it worked since I was emailing myself stupid assed notes such as this. Who does this?!??! Not the emailing themselves notes, because clearly I do this. But what movie theatre decides to fuck all rules and protocol and instead let's have everyone texting and watching videos we're telling you about as you sit and wait. The movies aren't annoying enough. Except, it was really quite a pleasant experience. Hmm...I need more details with my notes, clearly.

• So much ac in use, I'm always cold: Really? I included this in my notes? This needed to be emailed to myself? I probably should have watched the videos the Sprint ad man was directing me towards instead of emailing myself!

• AZ state fair commercials are dumb: This statement gives the impression that other state's commercials for their fairs aren't dumb. And we all know that is not true. I am clearly out of practice at this whole "paying attention in public for funny things to observe and make comment on as if nobody else in the world has ever thought about doing such a thing for I am original. And brilliant!"
  

• Free iPod with braces consultation: This orthodontist wins! And also, is it really that hard to get people to straighten their teeth these days? Have straight teeth gone out of style? Or are more people walking around with naturally straight teeth? Do I need to add this to the list of things that are oh so unfair about my life that I was born in the era where snaggle teeth were the norm and you had to get braces and not have an iPod and not have banana flavored tropical slushies given to you for free and I had to walk around barefoot in the snow and it was hilly in all directions and and and.....PERMS!!!! AND HUGE BANGS!!! WITH BRACES!!!

I'm not quite sure where to go after all of that. So I'll just go to bed. Seems like the best choice really...

It's Not A Miracle I'm Needing

So, I've now learned something else about myself...

I am not motivated by money alone. Nope. I'm not. I, apparently, only require enough money to pay my bills, take care of myself if anything happens, take care of my dogs if anything happens, see a movie now and again, buy fancy pants at Banana Republic, and stock up on Oreos. Outside of that? Money isn't something that motivates me.

Nope. Get this....I....well...it seems I have a big huge heart and I care about the world and the people that live on it. I know. It's kind of a shock to me, too. But, for the past 14 years I worked for a non-profit organization. And I knew that I enjoyed it and that I felt happy and satisfied when I went home at the end of the day that I was working to support people that were out in the community helping and supporting people that needed it. Kids and families. Making new families. Helping other families learn how to be good families so they can stay together. Just, promoting family and love and caring and good.

I miss that. I miss it deep in my soul. I miss it far more than I ever could have imagined. Apparently, wanting to do good stuff is part of who I am and not just something I did for 14 years. Its part of what makes me me.

So, my new job is not like this at all. Not at all. And already I feel....well, I just feel off. It doesn't feel right. I feel all empty and crappy and not connected to what I'm doing or what I'm supposed to be doing and it's just a sucky way to spend the day. Just going through the motions. The last time I was in a situation where I felt like I was just going through the motions, I got a divorce. So, yeah. But, I'm going to try. That's all you can do in this life is try. Give it your best. Try it out. And blah. So, that's what I'm doing. I shouldn't be so quick to judge.

To top it off? I'm also disconnected from my usual routine. My friends and my Google Talk and my Facebook tomfoolery and all that nonsense I'd gotten used to over the past few years. The way I've met several of my friends the past few years. And, because I'm already feeling a bit disconnected from myself, I feel like I'm going to be disconnected from them. And that since that was how we became friends, we'll drift apart and it'll suck. And yeah.

Then? Jim and Pam got married. And that made me sad. Because I want a Jim. I know he's a fictional character, but he's a fictional character that I'd created in my mind before there ever was a Jim. He's the type of guy I've always wanted. And now he's married to Pam. And on TV and not reality. There's no Jims running around out here. And even if there were? My name isn't Pam...

So, yeah. I'm a downer. I am. But, apparently, I'm just not the person that can happily accept not being true to herself. I'm not a person that enjoys being cut off from social activity. I'm not a person that enjoys idle chit chat and bullshit. Nope...I'm not.

But, for now, I am a girl that is enjoying being able to pay her bills without worry. So, let's just focus on that for now.

Yeah.

But I Have Some Glue

Friday night Jay Leno was talking about breast cancer with a panel of people and they were all focusing on women's breasts, as most people do, and one person wanted to make the point that it hits young and old alike. And Jay said something to the affect of it hitting women in "the prime of their life" when they are "19 or 20 years old." Erm....WHAT?!??!! When did 19 or 20 become the prime of my life? Because my life is actually quite a bit better these days than it was those days. In every way possible. People say stupid things.

On the TV and the radio around here they talk about the Arizona Diamondbacks. I guess since this is Arizona that makes sense. But, they mostly refer to them as the D-backs. And I always mishear it as D-bags. And I always, without fail, giggle. Always.

The blinds in my bedroom are now closed. And I know how to fix them if they ever get stuck again.

And that's not where the good news ends....oh no...because...get this....

I HAVE A JOB!!!

That's right. Finally. A job. And not just any old job to get me by until the real deal comes my way. I get what seems to be the real deal right out of the box. I couldn't be more pleased. I'm not going to go into big details about the company or anything but it's a small company that was founded a few years ago and they are growing and expanding and doing well and are excited about bringing someone like me on board. That's right. They are excited about me! Just, a whole lot of excitement going on here. And it's great. It just feels really very good to know that I went into a company that was looking for x and then after talking to me and spending a bit of time with me they decided they needed somebody to do y for them and that I was that person. A company where I didn't know anybody. No favors were pulled. Just...me and my words and me. Just me. Being me. And it feels good. It was what I needed. I didn't know that I needed this so much at the moment, but I did. Who doesn't really? To sometimes feel like you are precisely what someone is looking for at some time. And to feel that excitement over you and what you can do or whatever. It's been a big boost to me and my state of mind and I, at the moment, couldn't be happier.

Also? A raise.

Seriously.

I guess what I've learned here is that everything does work out. Everybody kept telling me to chill, to relax, that everything would work out. But I didn't believe it. I was freaked and scared and wallowing in my sadness and sometimes even creating more reasons to be sad. I was fighting the sun and the mountains and the saguaro and being a real shit. But, that's over. Because on Wednesday I go to work.

I wonder how long it will take me to return to normal Andrea that complains about people leaving the copier without paper...

But He Never Did Come In Last

The blinds in my bedroom are still stuck open. This still bugs the shit out of me.

I'm still unemployed but I've had some interviews and I have one tomorrow and that's all I'll say about that.

My electric bill arrived and it was as bad as I thought it would be. I think. It was bad. It was high. But, it's paid and life went on.

People complain that I don't open up. I don't talk. I don't say anything. "Why do you put up walls Andrea? You can talk to me. Come on. Talk!" So, I do. And instead of hearing what I am saying about what I feel about my situation, I'm informed that "everybody is worried about x, y, or z." I'm not everybody. I'm Andrea. Nice to meet ya. Maybe that's a bit selfish, but I'm not really a nice person these days.

My car battery died the other day. Let me tell you something...when you live alone and you don't know but two people and they aren't close by or they have their own things to deal with so you don't feel like you can call and ask for assistance and your car won't start? You feel really fucking alone and you kinda freak out and cry like a freak for about two minutes. Until you remember that you have insurance and tow service and so you call. And then the tow truck arrives. And he says "That's not your alternator, that's your battery. I'll give you a jump." And then your neighbor comes out and is all "Is everything OK? Next time, knock on my door! I'm happy to help!" and then here comes another neighbor, "Hey, are you OK? Next time, just knock on my door!" And then I kinda realize that....I don't have to be so damned independent all the time and this isn't Virginia and my neighbors are not assholes. I'm surrounded by nice people that will help me if I need it and I don't have to be an island. I can be Andrea, a member of a society. This will take some time...

And, because it's what I do, BoobieThon is coming up super quick. In fact, while I was grabbing the link I saw that the pre-launch is going on now. So, boys and girls...do what you can do. Donate, spread the word, photograph your chest. Whatever. Just do something. And if it's not for the BoobieThon, that's fine. Choose something you want to do something for and do that. Cancer does get a lot of attention. Especially the boob cancer. Which is why I always stress to people that focus on the girl boobs that man boobs can get the cancer too. Apparently, I'm passionate about man boobs. I learn new things about myself daily.

I have started exercising again. Which, as was pointed out to me, has improved my mood. Yeah. This is the improved mood. Imagine what it was before I started doing the Wii Fit daily. And? I can now jog in place for 4 minutes without wanting to die! This? is HUGE! Yeah. I was that out of shape.

I was watching TV last night and they were talking about the news and the weather and they showed a map of the United States and they were talking about all the rain over on the East Coast. And I looked at the entire map of the United States and I looked at West Virginia and I looked at Arizona and all of a sudden it was like....holy shit! I'm way over here. I drove all the way over here and now I live here and my family all live over there and this really happened. I don't know why it just hit me then, but it did. I live in Arizona. A month and a half later it sunk in. Cool.

So, yeah. Despite the mopey and bitchy and surly and all around me being unpleasant....I'm still glad I did this. Every time I get in my car and I drive around, I'm glad I did this. Every morning when I walk my dogs, I'm glad I did this. Every day that encounter some other super nice person, I'm glad I did this. I'm just glad I did this. I did something for me. And I'm glad.

The Way To Reach You, My Love

I had my first interview in fourteen years about two weeks ago. And it went really well. And I felt good. I looked good and I felt good. And then, I waited. And I carried my phone with me. And I stared at my phone. And I'd make a call to make sure it still worked. And I'd jump anytime the phone rang. And I'd make sure it was always charged. And I slept with it right by my pillow in case they decided at midnight they just had to make me an offer. And then I tried to accept it wasn't going to happen. And then I told myself it was them, not me. And then I looked at what I wore to make sure I hadn't gone in there with an offensive stain. And then I talked to my friends to find out what I could have done wrong. Why aren't they calling me? What could it be? And then I said I wasn't going to think about it anymore. And then I decided, no, I'll just call. I'll call during lunch and leave a message, yeah. That won't be too forward. So I did. Except there was an answer. And we talked. And it's over.

So there's that.

And this is another reason why I've not signed up for Match.com.

Being unemployed is boring. And stressful. In case you were wondering. And you get really surly when people with jobs start complaining about the stupid stuff that happens at their jobs. The big stuff, not so much. Big stuff sucks. Big stuff is fair game. You have big stuff going on at work and you need to let it loose, I'm all for it. But all those little annoying things that even I complained about when I was a productive member of society, I now find myself thinking "I wish I had a job where somebody stole my sticky notes and never put the lid to the copier down." And then I realize I need to just shut my hole so I don't offend anyone. So, I just sit and stare a lot. In the dark. Much like I am now.

Yeah, being unemployed has made me super concerned about my finances. And people have me scared to death about my electric bill. So, I sit around without lights a lot. And I watch little TV. And I worry that I have my computer on for too long. And should I unplug this, that, or the other. I threw away my Febreeze plug in the other day. I can't afford that luxury. And oh no, my BlackBerry battery needs to be charged again. Noooooo! My camera battery? Dead. Stone dead. Not being charged at the moment, either. I cannot remember the last time I didn't immediately charge my camera battery. But there it is. Uncharged.

I also ordered one of those manual mowers. Just the spinny blade thing that you push. No oil, no gas, no pollution. Lots of exercise and green living. And? Cheaper since I don't have to worry about oil and gas and engine parts and whatnots. Go me!

I've also realized that maybe I should have had a baby at some point in my life. As long as I don't put a dress or a bib on either of my dogs, this shouldn't be too much of an issue. It's OK for me to have my Beagle in my lap as I pet her on her head and tell her I love her and she's my girl and kiss her on her little beagle forehead. As long as I don't do all of that with her wearing a onesie. That's the rule. Anyway, yeah. This is a strange realization for me to have come to. I know that I didn't want one during my marriage, I don't regret that part. And it's not like I could have come to this realization earlier. It's just one of those things. It's not a horrible feeling. It's just one of those "huh...didn't see that one coming" moments. Yeah.

I can't close the blinds in my bedroom window. They've been up for a few days now. And I can't close them. And I'm obsessing over it. Since I have free time. I go over and try to close them about one thousand and eighty six and a half times a day. But still, they're open. Mocking me with their openness.

This is all fairly random and rambly. I think it's just a pressure release. You can't just walk around and have all these things built up without exploding. But I don't want to say any of this out loud. Hear how it sounds. Feel how it feels. Can't deal with all that right now. Typing has no feel. Not in this venue, anyway. This is detached. I'm removed from these things.

Despite all of this apparent negativity and crap, every single time I go outside at sunset and see the sky? I'm filled with such a feeling of peace and contentment that I can't help but have my daily positive moment. The moment that I look at my dogs and say to them "I know things seem to be a mess right now, but I will take care of us. Yes, I will." Every day. At sunset. I'm reminded of why I'm here.

Tomorrow? Lather, rinse, repeat...